on the final act

when we heard that they found mr. lewis hanging from the chandelier in the foyer,
i hear my mother say something about selfishness. but i don't hear, or listen.
say what a finale, say that's just how i'd go:
in the lights, all cut glass and crystal halo kaleidoscoping around my head.
just tryna make myself an angel. or anvil. come down heavy from a high place
just to end up 6 feet below; say he must've been hanging there for days,
just tryna hold up his own wieght. say how's that for a show? ain't we all
just tryna mean something to someone? more than just the curtain draw,
lights fade as we shuffle out, one by one. more than this.

say what's more selfish— leaving or expecting someone to stay against their will?
say what is a will but a list of reasons to stay?
see i'm not so worried that my mother will not forgive me, but herself,
and will that be enough to stay?
say everyday i think about leaving and all it does is keep me here, just in case.
don't wanna miss a thing, don't want a thing to miss me.
see how guilt too can be a kind of dead weight. this heavy lifting, call it baggage,
been carrying this hurt from place to place, hoping to lighten the load.
hoping just to keep moving.

my mother says her heart goes out to reiko and the girls,
how we only leave room for those left behind.
say who will be left behind?
say leave and it comes out lost,
say love and mean a little bit longer,
say why can't people just love instead of leave?

can't leave the people i love,
can't leave people behind
can't always hear people leave, say
can't leave  can't leave   can't leave  
                                                        just yet

                  (still got work to do)